unScene is a reoccurring series on The Cool Ship dedicated to “classics” being watched for the first time.
The idea that a ragtag group of teenagers (with one adult-y Swayze) could cause so much trouble for a group of trained soldiers is absolutely ridiculous.
There. I said it.
I am 31 years old, and until last night, I had never seen “Red Dawn.” I settled onto the couch with a choice beverage and a bit of a snack, ready to behold a cult classic I’ve heard about all my life. Well, almost all my life. When the movie came out in 1984, I was three.
Imma set the Wayback Machine for last night and give you a bird’s eye (ear) view of what went down through a series of thoughts I had during the movie:
- This title is totally written like “Dirty Dancing.” What is this? “Wolverines: The Musical?” Well, Swayze’s got the edge on that one. Everyone knows he can dance! Wait, this is before “Dirty Dancing?” Oh. Huh.
- Baby Charlie Sheen! How cute!
- Paratroopers! Uh-oh…
- Yeah, teacher gonna get deaded. Aaaaaaand, he got shot. Called it!
- RUN AWAY!
- They’re stocking up before going to hide in the mountains? How refreshingly smart! Oh! And they’re getting stuff they’ll actually need! Also, why does this gas station have so many guns and bullets?
- Fighting over a campfire is not the best of ideas. Someone’s pants are going to catch on fire. You’re going to want your pants in the mountains. It’s going to get cold. Just sayin’.
- Wait, why are Swayze and Sheen making that kid drink blood? Gross. At least wipe your chin off, man.
- Hidin’ women folk under the floor boards! Hey, that’s Jennifer Grey! I didn’t know she was in this movie! Now, she can dance with Swayze! Oh…still before “Dirty Dancing.”
- Commies rounding up folks! Shooting folks! Bad commies!
- Where did they get all these big guns and missile launchers? From the people they’re killing? So, how do they know how to use them? Jeez, they’re good shots! I’m supposed to believe these are high school kids? Are they not fighting trained soldiers? That doesn’t make sense. Oh, well. THEY’RE AMERICANS! GET THE COMMIES!
- An Air Force guy just fell from the sky. Deus Ex Machina, anyone?
- Lea Thompson, are you macking on the Air Force guy? Aww…he’s flirting back! WAIT. You’re in high school, Lea Thompson. Mr. Air Force, that’s illegal. Plus, your wife may or may not be dead. Classy.
- Winter’s icy grasp wraps vicious fingers around our intrepid pack of WOLVERINES. Let’s put on these extremely convenient white cover-ups to stay hidden in the snow! Where the heck did they get those?!
- Uh-oh…Don’t try to be a hero, Mr. Air Force! Or you, other kid that didn’t grow up to be famous! Yep. You’re dead, now. Pretty sweet way to go, though. Killed by a freaking tank! Well, not the tank. The gun on top of the tank.
- The commies are tracking them! Finally! Why haven’t they been doing this all along?
- WOLVERINES! They killed the commies, of course. What’s that, Baby Sheen? Some kind of tracking device? Man! I thought the commies were actually TRACKING them. Footprints, broken branches…that kind of thing. Nope. Convenient plot device happened off screen. Nice.
- WOLVERINES SHOOT THEIR OWN!
- Meanwhile, in the desert… Weren’t they just in the mountains?
- Don’t eat that food! They obviously chucked it out of the back of the truck! It’s totally poisoned! It’s not? It should be.
- It’s a trap! Death to Jennifer Grey for dripping juice on Swayze’s head!
- Can someone explain why he shot a rocket at the helicopter and then just stood out in plain sight? Oh, please shoot me! WOLVERINES!
- And then there were four.
- And then there were two. Almost got me, there, Swayze. Going back to the park! Cradling your dying Baby Sheen. *sniffle
I couldn’t keep their movie names straight, and the movie didn’t really seem to mind. It never really prompted me to do so. Except for Jed (Swayze). We got some much needed exposition between explosions, there, with a brief snatch of character development. I suppose Jed’s naming scene was also supposed to convince me that he was capable of keeping the rest of the group alive.
So, did I like “Red Dawn?”
How about we leave it as “I enjoyed watching it.”