Do Spoilers Even Matter?

Needless to say, this article probably contains spoilers about The Dark Knight Rises because I really don’t feel like censoring myself. This is also an article about spoilers, so it works in a meta way. I’m just that good. Consider your mind blown.

I’ll take the fact that you’re terrified of peanut butter and sleep with a Power Rangers night light to the grave. You accidentally hit on a distant cousin at a bar? I’m like a vault. That was you who farted? I smell nothing.

SPOILER ALERT! See what I did there. Sometimes, it’s a bit of a trial being this witty. Image courtesy of Dean Trippe for Project Rooftop.

But come on, people, I want to talk about the movie I just saw! You’re stifling me! I’m a pop culture peacock, you gotta let me fly! I don’t want to ruin the movie for you. I am just a klutz who is guaranteed to stumble into the refreshment table full of spoilers at the movie prom and dump them all on you.

Obviously, the movie causing all this internal turmoil is The Dark Knight Rises (TDKR).

I managed to theoretically ruin that experience for my fair editor, Gabrielle. Now, because she is fair (As in balanced and thoughtful, but she does have a light and lovely complexion. So, both work. Yay!), she wouldn’t think I ruined it, but there are people out there who would be quite put out by what I told her. She asked a direct question, and I gave the best indirect answer that I could manage. Alas, it couldn’t have been more of a flashing neon sign that Batman did a thing that made me go, “Wow!” if I’d put it on a glow in the dark T-shirt, turn off the lights, and did a little dance.

That’s where I fail.

I can’t lie.

Mike will tell you. It isn’t because I’m especially honest, it’s because I have the poker face of a toddler. If you ask me a direct question about a movie, and the answer will spoil the movie for you (First of all, why are you even asking me about this?), know that I will give you an honest answer whether I want to or not.

At what point can you assume a movie’s secrets have become common knowledge? Image courtesy of RyanLuckoo on DeviantArt.

What’s even the time limit on spoilers? Is it limited by a particular title’s popularity? Agatha Christie’s son (According to the oh-so-reputable source Wikipedia in an article I’m tempted to disregard for using the fake word “netiquette.” Really, that word is like “guesstimate.” If you use those words, I assume you like Dane Cook.) was annoyed that the Wikipedia article gave away spoilers about The Mousetrap. Or, is it governed by the type of media?

According to College Humor’s informational video on TV spoiler rules, says that the time limit on spoilers is a year on series finales. I’ve seen elsewhere that movies should be anywhere between one to three years and never. If that’s the case, and we apply those rules to comics, I’m SOL without ample spoiler warnings everywhere since the books are published monthly  or biweekly. I’m not very good with proportions, so I’m guessing that.

Do the rules change with the type of spoilers? If a spoiler relates to a face-meltingly awesome scene, does that have a shorter shelf life than one about a plot twist?

Refraining from spoiling a scene or entire movie (Spoiler from 1995: Verbal is Söze.), is an act of respect. I get this. And I will respect others’ ability to come to a flick fresh, but if you want to come fresh, don’t ask.

And all this is especially annoying because I just had a revelation about the TDKR, and I have to vet everyone before I discuss it. Will it spoil the movie for new viewers? Totally. But at the same time, it was telegraphed from the moment the screen lit up, and we just didn’t see it until the end. And now I just need someone direct message me on Twitter so we can relive the movie at 140 characters a pop for the next 1-3 years without fear of spoiling.

Sometimes respect is so annoying.