Celebrities Suck!

Every now and then I feel the need to vent about celebrities, how useless they are, and how much they anger me. This is one of those times.

Don't look up. God hates you.

Don’t look up. God hates you.

Recently, my girlfriend informed me that Kim Kardashian was pregnant by Kanye West. Ya see, I’m an atheist and I make no bones about it, so I don’t believe in God or the Rapture or any of that but I’m pretty sure if there is a God, he/she is disgusted and about to bring upon the end times.

Two of the most conceited, self-centered, arrogant, moronic, colostomy bags of people the world has ever seen are having a child?! Just shoot me in the face right now! This hellspawn will be the biggest d-bag ever and not even Satan will want anything to do with that abomination. And you know the three of them are gonna be talked about in every media possible. Topics like what ridiculous name they gave it, what unbelievable crap they buy it, and every little thing the despicable little jackass does over the course of its first year. This will be worse then when Jay-Z and Beyonce had a kid. Much worse.

And speaking of Beyonce, Destiny’s Child are apparently making a comeback. Let’s see, she hasn’t been in the news in a while, solo career had become kinda meh, and the other two girls weren’t doing anything at all and I’m sure needed money. So what better way to cash in and get back in the spotlight than to organize a comeback?

Seriously, who wears a hat like that?!

Seriously, who wears a hat like that?!

Yeah, let’s fill the airwaves with more of below sub-par, mediocre pop noise. I’m sure Jay-Z will produce it and make an appearance on the album so he can cash in too. Prepare yourselves for a repetitive flooding of soul-rotting pop music, one to two overly-priced tours, and a non-stop brain-bashing of media coverage. Build your fallout shelters now and just hang out until this is all over.

Finally, let’s chat about Kanye’s best friend, Taylor Swift. She has reached the point of celebrity where people care less about her music and more about who is dating and then breaking up with, which leads them to care about her music because she writes a new song each time she has a break up. This girl used to be a role model for you girls everywhere because she was considered wholesome and didn’t succumb to the pitfalls of celebrity, which is something impressionable girls need, right? Better than becoming mistakes of society like the Jersey Shore skanks. But now she’s no better than them. Celebrity got the best of her and now she is making her way through any and every male celebrity she can, gaining material for new music along the way. Eventually she’ll be alone and destitute, singing songs about her cats (because that’s all she’ll have left) and days gone by.

 

The definition of douche, Jared Leto.

The definition of douche, Jared Leto.

I think for her final album she should date Jared Leto for a while. Then they can both write songs about how much the other one sucks and see which album does better, critically and financially. I’ll pick up the Thirty Seconds to Mars album. Leto has become a self righteous douchebag, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t write some fantastic music.

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2 thoughts on “Celebrities Suck!

  1. […] Rob is just so overfull of the venom of celebrity suckitude that he must share it with the world. […]

  2. […] Again, I have faith that Man of Steel will be huge. Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan have never let me down, and I’m really hoping for a super-sweet Superman/General Zod fight. I’m sure they’ll deliver it. But banking everything on a Superman film is like shooting fish in a barrel. Batman did do well because it’s easier for people to connect with Batman. Yes, he’s a millionaire, but underneath it all, he’s still human. Superman just acts human. Deep down, he’s essentially a god and people have a tough time connecting with that…unless you’re egotistical like Kanye West. […]

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